Sunday, June 11, 2006

gravitas



Gravitas:
Pronunciation: 'gra-v&-"täs, -"tas
Function: noun
Etymology: Latin
: high seriousness (as in a person's bearing or in the treatment of a subject)

I recently caught an episode of the Colbert Report on Comedy Central. I don't watch it all the time, but Stephen Colbert can be pretty funny on occasion.

I luckily caught the 100th episode last week. I say luckily because he had on Stone Phillips from NBC, who also was on the inaugural episode of the show.

They proceeded to have a rematch of a "gravitas-off" they had on the first episode. Basically, it was a competition of who could say something more seriously and news anchor-like, for lack of a better term. Of course, the phrases they were saying were ridiculous, making the showdown even more amusing. (An example of this phenomenon is when a news anchor says "some of the images you are about to see..." and so on.)

Maybe it's just me, but I found these unbelievably hilarious. Here are links to the two "gravitas-offs" that Stephen Colbert and Stone Phillips had on the Colbert Report.

The original gravitas-off from the first episode

The gravitas-off rematch (I like this one better, but they're both pretty good)

Dual Action Cleanse

While I thought I had found the greatest infomercials with the Ronco Showtime Rotisserie (side note: check out the Popeil ladies on the left side of the page...lookin' good) and the Miracle Blade knife set (caution: somewhat loud and annoying, but still amusing video comes on when entering the site), those infomercials are now retired.

I have found Dual Action Cleanse. And frankly, the website does it no justice. This infomercial must be viewed to be understood and believed.

In essence, and I quote the website to explain product, Dual Action Cleanse is a "two-part system that is formulated to maximize one's elimination without causing loose stools or uncomfortable cramping. It encourages healthy bowel movements while assisting in cleansing the vital organs and lymphatic system."

To be blunt, it sounds like an herbal remedy you take that causes you to "go" up to three times a day, which I guess is "normal" and "healthy" for some people. (I always think back to high school, when my friend Joe Balmer was in the peak part of his cross-country season, he said he would go FOUR times a day. To this day, that boggles my mind.)

Besides the fact that this product sounds like a total crock (and the number of anti-DAC websites backs that theory), the infomercial is so amusing that I can't describe it. It's the creepy creator, Klee Irwin, who can't be better described by anything other than the word "creepy," along with the "hosts" of the segment, who are the oddest couple I've ever seen. Not that they're involved or anything, but they choose this partially senile older woman and a balding and muscular middle-aged man to interview Irwin. Words just don't do it justice.

Yet, a partial, and thoroughly disturbing clip, can: Klee Irwin describes his 4-year-old daughter's earth-shattering bowel movement and how emasculated it made him feel

Unbelievable. If that hasn't convinced you to buy the product, then you can take heart in the fact that after John Wayne passed away, an autospy was done. The coroner concluded that there was FORTY-FOUR pounds of compacted and unpassed fecal matter in his large intestine. Believe it or not. Are you sold yet?

Anyway, I don't mean to gross anyone out with this. It's just what you stumble across at 1 AM on Sunday morning. And it rekindles your faith in the fact that humanity has a couple of loose screws, because you know there are folks out there buying this stuff.

(If you or someone you know has purchased Dual Action Cleanse, no offense was meant in the submission of this post.)

the sports page at the office



It's nothing really worth complaining about, but sometime I head into the restroom in the morning to do what needs to be done. Say it's around 8:30 in the morning, for example.

I walk in and, almost like clockwork, the sports page is slightly wrinkled and lying in the trash can. It can be easily surmised that someone (and I'm assuming it's the same culprit every time it happens) used the bathroom earlier that day, and they utilized the daily sports page while doing so. Of course, as a courtesy, they dispose of this section before leaving the restoom, since normally the Kansas City Star is placed on the table in the kitchen each morning.

I'm not a germophobe by any means, but I could see why it would be a slight sanitary issue if someone brought back the sports page that had made a trip to the john.

Yet, I'm MORE offended at the fact that they have the gall (or chutzpah if you will) to take what is easily the most popular section of the paper (at least in our office) and go relieve themselves with it and dispose of it when finished. Maybe if your daily routine was using the restroom at 3:30 or 4 PM everyday, I could be more lenient. But this bastard deprives everyone of sports page reading if he has to do his duty in the morning. It happens probably two or three times a week at the most.

Come on, take the Metro section or Arts and Entertainment. Even the classifieds will get the job done. But it takes some nerve to do something as obviously inconsiderate as that. This is the office paper for all in the office to use.

Is it the end of the world? No. It's really not a big deal. And I'm grounded enough to realize this.

But I'm interested to find out who the person is. I won't confront them; I won't say a word. That's not my style.

But I'll tell you this: I will never view this man in the same way again. You can tell a lot about a person by the little things that they say or do. This is just one small example.

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

early exercisers

I went into work early last week. I wanted to be in by 6:30 AM, so I left the house around ten after six. As I'm driving through the neighborhood, I saw at least five or ten people out walking or jogging in the park or on the sidewalk.

Wow, talk about making a person feel like a lazy bum. I haven't exercised regularly in several months, and these people are up at six in the morning to better themselves. I swear, sometimes waking up is the hardest thing in the world. It contrasts that wonderful feeling where you hit snooze and get to sleep another ten minutes. If the rest of sleeping felt how those ten minutes did, no one would ever get out of bed.

But maybe that's just me. I'm not a morning person, and perhaps all these healthy folks who are out barely after the sun rises are. It ain't my cup of tea.



(For crying out loud, I tried three or four times to make this image come out looking reasonable, but I say screw it. I'm leaving it as it is, in all it's pixelated glory, as a testament to how awful I am at things like blogging and picture editing and so on. Kansas State taught a lot of you people to be awesome at that sort of thing, but they sure as hell failed with me.)

expectant mothers

I love them to death, I really do, but I must admit that I do not see the logic in have "expectant mother" parking spaces at malls and grocery stores. I've begun to see this phenomenon the past couple years.

Gretchen made an excellent point the other day that a mother with a 6-month old and a 2-year-old deserves a closer spot way more than a chick who's gained twenty pounds in the last couple months. I know I can never relate to what a pregnant woman goes through, so I won't try to empathize in any way, but this evolution in parking space demarcation is the biggest crock I've come across in a long time.

And I'm the last guy who needs a close space to where I'm walking. (For example, those KSU students who would troll the big lot out by the old stadium like they're looking for their favorite hooker. You lazy fools. That you would sit at the end of an aisle for twenty minutes so you have to walk fifty less feet to class is mind-boggling. What a bunch of arrogant sloths.

But I digress. I'm just saying that the handicapped have a legitimate case. If you get knocked up, in my opinion, I think the dude should be going to buy your ice cream and pickles in the first place. (Hopefully that doesn't come back to bite me in the ass one of these days. I'm pretty sure she doesn't read my blog anyway. I pretty sure anyway...)